The Mark of the Zapper
by RatPack2002
Summary: Zapp Brannigan. The man, the myth, the moron. This is the tell all story of how Zapp Brannigan became the highest military official on Earth.
1. Chapter 1

The Mark of the Zapper

"John you know he doesn't have a chance to make it through the DOOP officer program. He repeated kindergarten **4** times!" Marie Brannigan begged her husband.

"Damn it Marie, this is our chance to get rid of him…..forever. Don't you remember how bad it was raising the moron? Who cares, if he fails I'm sure the DOOP will find him some outlandish, meaningless battle to fight in." John Brannigan replied.

"You know, you have a point there, lets get rid of the oaf and retire and move to Utopia in the Ballsack Nebula!" Marie said, clasping her hands together in pure joy.

John had already packed a small suitcase for his son, Zach Brannigan. He walked up the wooden staircase towards his only son's room and knocked on the door.

"Yeah pop?" Zach called, over the noise of his loud stereo.

"Son, I got some bad news or good news. However you want to take it?" John replied from the other side of the door.

John heard the music cut off and his overweight son plod toward the door. Slowly, the door crept open. Zach's room was full of filth and trash. Wrappers from 7/11 and half eaten pizza's dotted the floor. A rat was crawling up the curtain to hide.

"Son, you have been drafted by the DOOP. Universe War uhhhhh 3 has begun. They called you because you are they're uhh only hope." John lied.

Zach felt a bit nervous at first. But then his heart began to steadily beat and he got goosebumps on his neck. Pride was over filling his already pompous ego.

"The DOOP, eh? I guess with my grades and athletic ability they would select me.!" Zach announced.

His dad turned to a bulletin board in the room and looked at the Track Meet Ribbons, 9th place, Better luck next year, Everyone gets a ribbon day. And the report cards, where he even got a D in lunch.

"My thoughts exactly. Here is your bag son. There should be a hover taxi any moment to pick you up?" His father said.

"Why aren't you and mom taking me?"

"Uh, we have to get you a big gift plus your Mom is taking this sorta hard. You know woman." John replied.

" Ahh woman. The most erotic part is the boobies." Zach announced.

His father rolled his eyes. _"Space God, maybe Marie is right. Nobody is going to pass this moron!"_

"Uh, yeah that's right Zach. The boobies, yup. Well you should go wait out on the porch and wait for that taxi. Don't want to let the DOOP down son." John Brannigan said.

His father patted him on the shoulder and left the room. That was the last time Zapp Brannigan would ever see his father.

He waited on the porch and watched the rain begin to fall. He pulled out a tape recorder he had grabbed from his room.

"Branigans Log, 1.1.2.4. carry the 3 divide by niner .5. The DOOP has sent fourth to recruit me in their apparent time of need. I have answered the call and shall serve her well. Today marks a new chapter in the Saga of Zach Brannigan, today I become a man. Brannigan out." Zapp said into the tape recorded, which had no batteries.

He then said into the recorder, "Note to self, pick up more batteries."

END CHAPTER 1


	2. Chapter 2

After the hover taxi dropped him off outside of the DOOP Academy, he found himself in a familiar position, lost. He spotted what he thought was a half man half fish security guard, the Zapper approached him.

"Excuse me, Pops, could you tell me how to get to building 1?" Brannigan asked the mermaid/human cross

"Pops? Who the hell are you calling Pops maggot?" The middle aged uniformed man-fish began to bark. "I am Master Gunnery Sergeant Merman. Who the hell are you?"

"Brannigan….."

"I don't give a flying monkey shit who you are! You drop and give me 50 push ups now! Brannigan, I remember that name, you were suppose to be here 3 hours ago!" The man continued screaming.

Zach attempted to do the 50 push ups as ordered, he hadn't even completed 1.

"You gotta be shitting me! You can't do 1 Space God Damn pushup? Roll over! Do some sit ups fatty!" The Gunny ordered.

Zack rolled over much like a beached whale back into the sea and strained to do a sit up.

"Jesus H. Christ! What the hell makes you thing you can make it into my beloved DOOP numb nuts? Holy shit! Get your ass to the barracks and into uniform, MOVE IT MOVE IT!"

Zach took off aimlessly. He didn't know where the barracks where. If only he hadn't gone to that strip bar he would have been here for the tour and orientation process the academy deemed mandatory.

"_No matter, with my intellect and bravado I will redeem myself in no time" _He thought.

He found a building that was indeed a barrack. Unfortunately he didn't see that the sign said Female Barracks, No Males permitted.

Searching frantically up and down the hallway he finally found an unlocked door to a room on the first floor and found a uniform, a skirt type outfit. He squeezed into it; his massive gut was on the verge of exploding out of it like a fat guy in a little coat. After the epic struggle of fitting into a woman's sized uniform he put on a pair of white boots, that where not regulated apparel by the DOOP, more like a pair of boots a girl would wear while off duty or on pass. He inspected his appearance in a body sized mirror.

"Ahh yes. I was born to wear this uniform." He said to the reflection in the mirror.

The sound of a door opening on the other side of the room began to fill the air, the door creaked open and white steam began to fill the room. A female voice was humming a tune. The toned silhouette of a female began to emerge from the steamy bathroom.

Their eyes connected. At first it was shock, like a deer in a headlight or when a really hot girl looses her top in a swimming pool. Time stopped for a brief second or two. Suddenly the girl regained thought and covered her exposed cleavage with the towel she had on top of her head and began to scream. Zack finally woke up too and darted out of the room with the stolen, and UN appropriate uniform.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out the, still powerless and lacking batteries, recorder.

"30202.1023.44 I just scored with a woman. Brannigan out." He reported.

End Chapter 2


	3. Chapter 3

Brannigan wandered around the academy for nearly an hour before he found the same man that had yelled at him earlier.

"Say sir, where can a guy get lunch around this doofus ridden instituition?" Zach asked.

" Lunch? What the hell does this look like a Fishy Joe's? Get your ass to the orientation building now…wait a minute. What the hell are you wearing? SPACE POPE ALIVE! Is that a woman's uniform? Where the hell are you from?" The D.I. asked

"I'm from New New York, your honor!" Zack reported.

"Jesus H. Christ. New New York, the only thing that comes from there are Sewer Mutants and queers, and I don't see any third arms or tentacles on ya so it sorta narrows it down doesn't it?" The D.I. screamed.

"Actually, one time in the boys locker room at my high school somebody called me a queer…."

"Shut your damn sewer hole maggot! Ever since that don't ask don't tell policy was passed 1,000 years ago this military has gone into shambles. Move your ass to the orientation building pronto!" The D.I. said, storming off in disgust.

Brannigan once again began his trek in finding the first step into the chapter of his military career. After 9 hours of searching he finally found the orientation building, which was in the exact center of the post, the largest building on campus and had a gigantic sign that said ORIENTATION BUIDLING.

"A ha, mission accomplished." He said to himself, confidently.

He started to ascend the marble stair case into the building when a loud bugle call filled the air, and a large group of people burst out of the front doors and thundered down the steps towards him. Zack tried to turn around and avoid being tampled, but the sea of crimson uniforms engulfed the staircase like a flood.

The booted feet of the charging crowd trampled and stomped him while he laid on the pavement. After the trampling he felt dazed and confused. A slender figure stood above him.

"Gee you got hit their pretty hard, are you ok?" A weak and nasal voice asked.

" It feels like a Omnipersicon ran over me!" Zack replied.

The small figure extended out a webbed hand, covered in scales to help the bumbling idiot up. Zack grabbed his hand, the figure underestimated Zack's weight and tumbled down on top of him.

Zack tried to get a better look at the being trying to help him, his eyes were swollen from the many kicks to the head while he was being ran over. The being had large yellow eyes, and green skin. He looked like some sort of frog.

"Ahh you must hail from Greece, because of your olive skin." Zack deducted.

The being let out a sarcastic sigh. "No, actually I am from another planet….."

"Don't bore me. Lets get out of here, now where are we suppose to go?" Zack asked.

"The instructor told us to head to the medical station to be evaluated." The being stated.

"Instructor, shmishtructor. Lets go with a course with a little more chest hair on it, eh? Brannigan said.

"But, but it is an order" The being pleaded.

"Nonsense, errrr, what was your name again?" Brannigan asked.

The being let out another sigh, this time it was more nervous and belittled. "Kroaker. Kiff. Kiff Kroaker." The small alien replied.

"Kiff Kroaker? What is that, like Greek?" Brannigan asked.

"Uh, no. I was telling you that I am an alien from another planet, I am also supported by a series of bladders instead of bones…" Kiff went on.

"No time for that Kroaker. We need to find the mess hall, its time to eat." Zannigan ordered.

Brannigan began to walk off, and young Kiff Kroaker made the biggest mistake of his life, he began to follow him.


	4. Chapter 4

Brannigan, clad in a DOOP female issue mini skirt uniform and Kiff made there way through a lush forest. The sounds of birds chirping and insects buzzing denied silence from occurring.

"Uh, Brannigan, where are we going?" Kiff gasped, he wasn't used to such long hikes.

"Simple, my Greek friend. We are looking for food, or have you forgotten already?" Brannigan answered.

They had been hiking through the woods, which looked like they had not been trekked through for centuries for nearly 3 hours. Kiff didn't even know if they were still on the academy's land.

"But, wasn't there a mess hall on the academy?" Kiff began.

"Pfft. Kroaker, in the voids of space and combat there is no mess hall. One must forge for himself." Brannigan once again answered, confidently.

"Well in the voids of space, we would technically be on a vessel, and yes there would be a mess hall on board." Kiff stopped in his tracks.

Kiff had never been in an argument before, he had listened to everyone and followed every rule to a perfect T. However, this time, it was obvious he was breaking the rules and listening to an idiot.

Zapp was about to continue his lecture to Kroaker but something caught his eye. A small green animal, with red spots on it. Zapp began to walk towards it.

"You see, Kif, I have done it. I have saved our lives." Zapp went on.

"By finding a toad?" Kiff spoke.

"What is it Kiff? Do you come from a Planet where the dominating race are reptiles and amphibians? Are you part of this race, or are you a man?" Brannigan said, jabbing Kiff in his chest.

"Actually, yes and my body is supported by a series of bla-" Kiff stopped in horror, watching Zapp about to pop the living animal into his pompous, and loud mouth.

"Brannigan, I uh…..I wouldn't eat that toad if I were you, it appears to be poisonous." Kroaker said.

Zap rolled his eyes. This annoying Greek guy was beginning to seem like a real idiot to him. He would probably end up carrying him for the rest of his sorry career in the DOOP.

"_Just my luck."_ He thought.

With a disgusting crunching sound, followed by a squishing sound Brannigan began to eat the small toad. It didn't taste too bad. He finished chewing the remains and swallowed them.

"There. Not so bad. There is another one, you try one." Brannigan said pointing to a similar looking toad.

Kiff let out an annoyed sigh. This idiot, who was wearing a female's uniform sure had a way of taking control of things, in an idiotic and totally pointless matter. It had to have been nearly 1800 hours (6pm for you non DOOP people) dinner would now be served at the mess hall, which was directly next to the orientation building, he remembered this from the orientation, which Brannigan missed all together. The instructor had been incredibly mad that Brannigan was AWOL on his first day.

"I a vegan, actually. On my planet eating any animal flesh is forbidden." Kiff explained.

Brannigan was about to retort, but his face suddenly began to gleam. He was sweating at an exaggerated rate, his pupils became dilated. Kiff took a step back.

"Are you ok?" He asked the large blonde headed man.

"It tastes……it tastes like burning." Brannigan let out followed by a whimper.

"_My God, he's been poisoned. Think, what is it they told us in Frog Scouts?" _ Kiff thought to himself, his heart beginning to pound with fear.

Before Kiff could think of a quick remedy, or some sort of first aid, Zapp began to hallucinate. The trees took shape of gigantic candy canes, the grass turned into those little balls he liked to jump into at Chuck E. Cheese, the largest form of family entertainment in the 30th century. Kiff began to take the shape of a very beautiful woman.

"Hey baby, got any room in there for the Zapper? I got some rounds Id like to Zapp into you if you know what I mean…." Zapp said, flashing his eyebrows.

"Are you….are you feeling ok?" Kiff asked, not aware of how he appeared to Zapp.

"Baby, I'm merely ok, to your fine ass….I mean fineness." Zapp answered, in a pathetic attempt at sounding smooth.

"Brannigan, what the heck is wrong with you?" Kiff said, taking a few steps back.

He watched as Brannigan began to lick a large oak tree and chew at the bark. Was this some sort of human joke? He remembered that human beings were a weird group of people, but this had never been mentioned before.

To be continued…….


	5. Chapter 5

Cadet Kroaker and Cadet Brannigan had been lost in the woods for nearly 2 days. Commandant Hartman was going over the reports on his desk. Never in the 240 years of service had the academy had a student go AWOL. Brannigan was found nude, roaming the woods and tripped up on some unknown hallucinogen. The reports stated that he had committed two forms of sexual perversion to an oak tree.

"Sir, Cadet Kroaker and Cadet Brannigan have been summoned." A secretary called from outside via intercom.

The Commandant took a deep breath. He could barely keep a straight face reading the exploits of these two morons, now it was time to discipline them. After gaining some composure he had them brought in.

"Cadet Kroaker and Cadet Brannigan reporting as or-"

"Shut your damn sewer! Space God almighty! What the hell were you two thinking?" The Commandant screamed, he had gained his composure after all.

"Well, Judge Judy….I mean sir…..I mean" Brannigan sputtered out.

"Oh shut up. Son, it is quite apparent that you are incapable of thought. Tell me, just why the hell did you sign up for the DOOP? How the hell did you get past a recruiter?" The Commandant went on. "The best part of you must have run down your momma's backside. I think you were cheated son!"

The Commandant watched as Brannigan began to slump down in shame. It seems he could be gotten through too.

"Kroaker, it says here that you graduated top of your class, earned a full scholarship here and scored perfect on the IQ test. Now tell me, how the hell you ended up with this..." The Commandant was distracted; Brannigan had some how gotten two pencils lodged into his nose. "How the hell did you end up with Brannigan in the first place? Son you need to develop some street smarts or morons like this will bring you down!"

"Well sir-"

"Did I say you could speak, Kroaker??!!" The Commandant screamed, almost jumping out of his chair.

"No, I thought that..."

"Damn it Kroaker, don't think. Listen, thinking gets you into trouble! Look were thinking got you, it got you into trouble did it not?" The Commandant went on. "Now can I be in charge for awhile? Well thank you very much!"

"Brannigan…..why the hell are you wearing a female uniform?" The Commandant asked.

"Sir, I wanted to show of my sea legs sir!" Brannigan answered his voice somewhat different since the pencils were still lodged in his nose.

"Sergeant Nagundooooowlusipkiaja! Get this man a proper uniform!" The Commandant ordered.

"Which size sir?" A Neptunian Sergeant came bursting through the door.

"Blimp!" The Commandant joked.

The Commandant had the paperwork on his desk to expel these 2 from the academy forever. But due to the slowness and unpopularity of joining the military these days, he had to consider keeping them. His stomach was churning at the thought of this.

"I'm going to be straight with you 2. If it were up to me, I'd put my boot so far up your ass you'd taste leather for a month. But due to the circumstances, I have a much better punishment in mind. You two will be put into the special program." The Commandant went on.

"Special program?" Brannigan boomed, taking the pencils out of his nose.

Kroaker let out a sigh. He knew where this was going. The Special program…. Or for civilians, Special Ed. The short ship to school.

"That's right. Do you really think I'd let two idiots like you become officers? You two have one thing in your futures. You can learn how to utilize a mop and bucket to clean up the decks of space ships. You can be the assistant janitor." The Commandant went on.

Brannigan, lost in thought, as always was not listening. He was too busy day dreaming, something caught his eye. It was a model spaceship. The U.S.S. Fry named after the one and only Phillip J. Fry. The Commandant had been assigned on that very vessel in the beginning of his career; he was the only survivor of an attack near Omni Persici 8. The clumsy idiot did the unthinkable, he picked up the Commandants most prized possession, and the small memorial he kept on his desk to honor the fallen of that ship.

Making childish whooshing sounds and horn noises Brannigan began to zoom around the room like a child does. The Commandant's eyes began to bulge, a vein popped out of his neck.

"Put that down!" He ordered.

In an instant, Brannigan stopped dead in his tracks, the fragile model ship flew out of his hand. It seemed like an eternity for the old Commandant, he watched the ship glide down to the floor and smash into a million pieces on his hardwood floor.

He tried to scream in anger, but only let out a small croaking noise. He couldn't breath, he couldn't move. Brannigan and Kroaker watched the statuesque man for a few moments until he keeled over onto the floor, the sound of a loud thump followed.

"Sir, does this mean that we're done for the day?" Brannigan asked.

The dying Commandant let out his last words, "Get your ass over here!"

Brannigan lumbered over to the commandant and bent down. With the last bit of strength the Commandant reached up with his frail right hand and began chocking the life out of Brannigan like squeezing a sponge and watching the water ooze out.

Brannigan began to turn blue and soon joined the Commandant on the floor, unconscious.


	6. Chapter 6

Zapp Brannigan clutched his aching neck. After nearly a week in the infirmary he had finally been released to attend the commandant's funeral. It had taken 3 of the Commandant's staff members to pry open the kung fu grip of is cold, dead fingers. The entire academy was present for the Commandants funeral at the newly constructed Orbiting Meadows. The Commandant was being buried to another hero of Earth, Shaq's leg.

"What do you think they'll do to us, Kiff? Do thou have any Spartan knowledge of these things? What Greek wisdom do you have of these dire consequences?" Brannigan asked his 1 and only "friend".

"For the 2,000th time! I'm an alien! Why do you keep insisting I'm a Greek?" Kiff angrily answered, his voice turning to a hiss. "Is that alcohol I smell on your breath?"

With a cocky, and moronic smile, Brannigan pulled a stainless steel flask out of his female uniform. Amazingly he still hadn't been issued a proper uniform. Brannigan rolled his eyes and took a swig.

"Yep." He answered, somewhat slurred.

"Give me that, before you get us into trouble again!" Kiff said, grabbing the flask.

Brannigan let out a loud belch, causing some of the other cadets to turn toward him and Kiff. An instructor spotted Kif with the flask; his expression went from angry to shock.

Before he could say anything to the frail alien cadet, Brannigan got up and headed toward the alter. He was so drunk he couldn't walk in a straight line, and knocked over a reef of flowers and an Earthican flag.

"Brannigan, sit down! Your going to get us all in trouble again, you asshole!" A random cadet said, tugging his shirt.

Brannigan punched the senior cadet in the face, and began his drunken trek toward the altar. He made his way up the steps and to the coffin. Everyone watched in horror as they waited for his next move. He belched again, and let out a groan. After scratching his ass for a few seconds he began to speak.

"My fellow….cadets. It is indeed a tradgedy that this fine man, or woman.. I honestly cant tell what the hell he was….let me look really quick." He babbled on, his eyes bloodshot.

Brannigan let out a weird cry, and started to vomit on the Commandant's corpse. The mans wife burst out into tears. The cadets with weaker stomachs began to vomit as well, as this, next to seeing a fat man in a mini skirt was the most retched thing they had ever bore witness too.

Brannigan stumbled back around to face the audience, still in shock of his latest accomplishment.

"Ok. So he was a man. A humble, kind, sincere man." Brannigan said, dramatically throwing his arms out and knocking down a large ceremonial candle.

The candle fell into the coffin, and instantly ignited the Commandant's corpse into a ball of hellish fire.

"My God! Call an ambulance this man is burning alive!" Brannigan drunkenly yelled.

A large headed alien with big yellow eyes and an exposed brain began to hear the commotion. He was down on his luck finding stories. Hearing the commotion from the other side of the cemetery had been the sign of hope he had been waiting for, this was his chance for a story.

The large, clumsily built alien ran into a gardener tending to some flowers on the grave of another great hero, Jared, the man who found the cure to obesity, the subway diet.

"Get out of my way! I will DESTROY you!" The reporter yelled.

To be continued…..da da da!


End file.
